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Your personal boundaries are your comfort levels beyond which you should not allow anyone even your treacherous, mentally unstable, troublesome husband, except your mother & son & others whom you consider to be yours, to push you. Life requires you to first balance your individual needs along side your responsibility to your mother and son. Setting boundaries will help you do that. Nowadays your mother and son have seen you roaring at your husband and fighting with him for your day to day for your, son’s personal life and household amenities. You should maintain your boundaries which are required in professional and personal dealings. Your troublesome, torturous husband and your upcoming son will ride roughshod over you if you do not properly set your personal boundaries. Your treacherous husband has expected approach to you 24 x 7 thinking you as his maid, working for twenty four hours, making tea, coffee, breakfast, lunch and dinner, washing his dirty stinking clothes, listening for whatever he wants etc. He will coerce, intimidate, pressurise as it your duty & responsibility to keep him happy. He is always making you feel guilty for not fulfilling his desires and request. Without your private boundaries, your husband will always try to intrude into your privacy and personal life. He has depleted your energy and made you fall sick. He has not allowed you to even take rest, sleep for a moment, and will disturb and wake up at midnight. You at these present moments should not allow anyone to enter your personal life as they will intrude your privacy and also deplete your energies. If someone, even your treacherous husband repeatedly refuses to take no for an answer, he is strictly violating your boundaries. If you explained to someone even your troublesome husband that you cannot take his calls while you are going out for Mandir, Monasteries or Mall and yet he keeps ringing to you for no reason or knowing about your whereabouts he is transgressing, breaching your limits. After your yesterday’s heated discussion with him regarding creating problems whenever you go out to market, mandir etc and some days back regarding remote of AC which he had hidden intentionally somewhere so that all of you remain in heated atmosphere and fall sick. He was terrified by your fight and didn’t say a single word and also gave you the remote of AC. He will give you everything provided that you pounce on him and also not to allow him to intrude your personal boundaries.
Do you know your rights?
You have the write to say NO to anyone including your husband, when asked or even requested for a favour. You have the right to spend time on yourself. You have the right to decide what is important to you and what is not, in your daily routine and priorities in your life. You have the right to decide the level of privacy you need at any time during your official, household and personal works.
When a mother like you asks her husband to focus on his responsibility with his son towards his studies, his playing games either indoors or outdoors, his day to day activities so that you can have some time for yourselves that is basically a healthy boundary for you. When you ask your mother to share your responsibility with making food for all members sometimes and also upbringing your son in his daily activities that is a healthy boundary. The sign of unhealthy boundaries are that when you agree to your boss’s request, ‘Could you finish up the work for me? I have some important assignment,’ When your your troublesome husband says, ‘I get jealous when you go out with your mother, son and friends. So, stay with me’. When you stop going for Satsang or to Mandir, since it makes your husband and your son unhappy and so forth. If you can identify with any of the above situations, you direly need to learn the art of setting boundaries. Communicate openly and honestly. Healthy boundaries are established and sustained by openly expressing them. It is important to let your mentally deranged husband and others know what you’re comfortable with and what makes you uneasy. This may be required for financial, for paying son’s fees, household materials, and for your emotional physical matters. In some cultures, like in Punjabis people are very friendly and embrace one other when meeting. In other cultures, they prefer to greet each other like Christians without touching. Similarly, some people need privacy, while others do not. If you do not clearly communicate your preferences and needs to your treacherous husband and other people, they can make assumptions and cross your comfort level. Hence, to avoid misunderstandings, communicate your limits and expectations to your husband, others.
You should learn m to say no. We all have fixed resources of time, energy and effort. How we utilise them determines our efficacy in achieving our goals. When we prioritise our list of to-dos, we put the most important and urgent tasks up top, while things requiring least attention go to the bottom of the list. In this manner, we say Yes to some and No to others. Apply the same principle to your relationships. While you should be helpful and available to do the needful for others, you must learn to say No to demands that are unimportant or wasteful. After all, you also have a responsibility towards your own goals. For that, you must avoid your treacherous husband and other people who drain your energy or overtake your space. ‘The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful say no to almost every thing.
Do not let others take advantage of you. You may have heard the proverb: ‘Give them an inch and they’ll take a mile.’ If you make a concession, people sometimes misconstrue it as a weakness and take as much as they can, leaving you high and dry.
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